The Howling Heart

The woods fell dark just after sunset. There was no moon. Just darkness. I could no longer see the target area at the end of my hunting lane. I gathered my rifle and hunting bag and headed along the path toward the open field with the help of a small flashlight. The damp air carried the aroma of leaves and earth. The wet leaves pressed into the soil under the weight of my boots. The sounds of coyotes in the far distance caught my attention.

Once I reached the open field I blew a few times on my coyote call. The distant sounds grew silent. I knew that they were intrigued and on their way. I continued to blow on the call. I hoped to get them close enough to get a shot at one. Maybe I would take down one of these predators and perhaps prevent another litter from being born. Or, save the life of a newborn calf or goat. Coyotes are know for killing and eating defenseless animals.

From the edge of the woods I blew softly on the call. I heard movement in the woods. And then, as if I had walked into a kennel full of hungry dogs, the sounds of barking and howling pearced my ears and raised my adrenaline. This was a large pack, and they were virtually on top of me. I began to imagine them circling me in tighter and tighter circles, and finally pulling at my pants legs and taking me down, tearing away my flesh. It would be a horrible death. But, in reality, as soon as they would lay eyes on me they would run in fear.  But, I still questioned my decision to call the coyotes.I took the call away from my mouth and stood very still. The woods became deathly quiet. The coyotes had no doubt caught sight of me and moved on, realizing that I was too high on the food chain to approach.

Sometimes when I think more deeply than I wish I would, I go deep into my memory, into those darker places, and call up snippets of conversations past, I feel overwhelming emotions. The dark and heavy howling of shame and regret overpower me and nip at my ankles. If I am brave enough to stay in the feelings I become anxious. I feel my heart beating in my chest, and I hear my breathing change. Sometime memories make me very sad. There are so many regrets that come to mind. And, for most of them there are no re-dos. If only there were!

The emotions can become so painful, so real, as if the event had happened just moments ago. I become afraid that the feelings will not subside, that I will remain this overwhelmed, afraid, angry, sad, remorseful, the rest of my life. I begin to believe that I am too damaged to live this life effectively. I wonder if I have made such a mess of this one chance at life, that I will never be able to turn it around. I can get very lost in the emotion and deep, deep woundedness. Then, as the moments, and maybe hours pass, I come back to the present and realize that the emotions will not overtake me, devour me, kill me.

When I am alone and defenseless inside myself I am experiencing vulnerability more so than I ever have or will with another person. I must tell myself that the howling and yapping of the emotions will soon fade away. I must reminind myself that this moment of pain will pass. There will be new sounds within me, for awhile.

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